I’d like to start this blog post with a quote from the movie FIGHT CLUB:
Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I’ve ever met… see I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving…
Tyler Durden: Oh I get it, it’s very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How’s that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up then…right up.
Okay…back to the blog post.
I consider myself a witty bloke. It’s fun to fire off something clever and you find yourself doing it more and more around good friends. Something I’ve noticed over the years, however, is that I have a major tendency to use “being clever” as a defense mechanism.
Last week did something in our men’s group that was difficult, but it was life-giving. Each Monday we meet together to have dinner, do some sort of study…either from the bible or something that’s on our hearts, or we just hang out for a while. This week we took time to pick each person out, one by one, to speak affirming words to them.
Each man in the group had his turn to just sit there quietly as the other men said the good things they saw in him. We made sure to not allow things like, “nice shirt” or other lamewad comments.
This was a chance for us to speak out on those things we’ve noticed about each other. Things like:
* I’ve noticed that you’re a really good listener and it always makes me feel like you value what I have to say.
* You seem like such a hard worker. You’re always taking on some new project and you’re not afraid to just jump right into a situation.
* I remember when I first moved here and you were just so welcoming to me…I felt like I had a great friend right away.
The person on the receiving end of these comments was just supposed to sit there and receive. But geez was it terrible! I found myself wanting to deflect everything that was being said! I wanted to say something witty or “knock myself down” after each compliment. It was so uncomfortable.
And it wasn’t just uncomfortable for me…most of the guys were freaking out! Some of them had a hard time receiving words of affirmation while others struggled to say them. It was clear that we were hitting on some serious issues. What I noticed right away is that we have a serious struggle when it comes to receiving things. We want to earn everything on our own and we don’t want to take help from people.
It’s difficult to work past things like this, but I think one of the first steps is realizing the defense mechanisms we have in place. For instance, my deflection tool of choice is being funny or witty whenever someone tries to give me a compliment.
Some people just downright deny that they are anything good at all or they shy away from situations where they might be praised. Have you ever done this? Deflected?
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
For those of you who shared your thoughts on prayer from a post last week, I’d like to say thank you. I taught 3 services at Vineyard Westside this past weekend and you can feel free to listen to the podcast if you’re interested in what came out of that post:
http://vineyardwestside.com/2009/03/podcast-jesus-reset-prayer-ryan-detzel/
I would also like to say thank you to everyone who has stepped up to support my mission trip to Honduras. I cannot believe this, but I have pretty much met my goal for the trip! It’s humbling when your friends and family reach out and support you financially and for some reason I am even more humbled by “virtual strangers” who have said yes to the call God has given me. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
God is teaching me a ton about being able to receive and accept the goodness He has for me.
In what areas do you struggle to receive? What are some of the defense mechanisms you employ…are you a deflector?
Definitely a deflector. Especially when it comes to compliments. I’ve lost some weight lately (32 lbs.!) and it’s all I can do to NOT knock myself down when someone comments like “You look really great” or something like that. And in pictures, the first comment I’ll make is “ick” or something like that. My girls unfortunately do too. They hate all pics of themselves, yet post mass ones of them on FB or wherever. But I’ve really tried to just say “thank you” or something like “thanks, I’m working really hard at it.” But I know how you feel, to just sit there and take it. I hate it.
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Ha, yeah… I usually try to explain the situation so it doesn’t make it look like I deserve the compliment. But lately I’ve been working on just telling people thank you. It truly works well! I don’t have to explain anything and they smile and it is over with. No more embarrassing moment, it’s there and then gone!
Thanks!
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Another angle to this is when someone gives you a compliment and you shoot them down, you are essentially telling them that you don’t care for their opinion because they are not “qualified” to say anything.
If they say, “you did a great job speaking” and you say, “thanks, but I could improve”, you’re really saying “yeah, whatever, you don’t know what you’re talking about” and effectively put them down as we put ourselves down. We generally don’t see that, but we should become more aware of it and at least accept their words for that reason until we can learn to accept their words for our own edification.
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I am surrounded by deflectors. It can be draining to see more in someone than they see in themselves and feel like I should/am expected to lift them up all the time if they aren’t willing to believe what I am saying. I use sarcasm/wit a lot too- but not to deflect, so that is interesting to me to consider it as a defense mechanism.
I deflect service/help offered more than I like to admit. Mostly because I feel like it being offered is a wake up call to my laziness, or that someone is offering just to ‘offer’ and hopes you don’t accept. But I offer a lot of service in complete sincerity, so I should be more trusting of others!
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Oh, this is so relevant and deep, the deflection. It’s something that I have worked on most of my life. Thanks for bringing it up. I think Christians battle this even more because we have had it drummed into our head that we are sinful and to be extremely diligent about keeping pride out of our lives and so we suffer dysfunction in the opposite extreme. “I certainly don’t have a good thing about me because I am such a sinner and if I keep telling you (and myself) that, I could never be accused of being prideful!”
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I’ve used humor and sarcasm to deflect for most of my life. Every time someone would try to be serious with me, whether it was good or bad, I would use humor or sarcasm to get away from it. I couldn’t handle compliments, someone speaking feelings of love to me, confrontations, anything that required me to speak with my heart instead of my head. Serious feelings just made me so uncomfortable. My husband was the first person I’ve ever been with who would never let me get away with it. He’d shut it down the minute it started and make me be real with him. He brought me to God and loved me through my horribly checkered past. Yesterday was our two year wedding anniversary and we celebrated it with our 6 month old daughter. I still sometimes see myself reverting back to my old ways but my hubby is always there affirming me and loving me. I look at my life now and can’t even believe the way I used to live. God has been so many kinds of good to me!
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We’ve been doing this in my Womens’ Sunday School Class. Each week one woman is selected and the rest say words of encouragement. When it was my turn, I was SO NERVOUS! I really really hate being the center of attention. I normally tend to deflect compliments as well, but I made a really strong effort not to this time. As a result, it became a very positive experience! Sometimes, you just need to really work to think about what you want to say or react before you do so.
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Nice random post Ryan. I love this about your blogging style.
Now for a response to your post. 1. I used to deflect. I don’t anymore. I’ve been able to get past that through lots of hard work. It hasn’t been easy. 2. I will listen to your audio teachings. 3. It’s my pleasure to support a great Godly cause.
Finally, in the future when I come to the Louisville/Cincinnati Area I will seek your church and you out to meet you. My mother lives in Louisville, KY.
I will continue to support you and the Lord’s causes.
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I think I may have been the only guy in our group that thoroughly enjoyed people saying encouraging things about me. That’s a stark contrast to one particular friend who said, “Truthfully I think this all seams a bit gay.” ha ha ha.
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So glad you’re basically set for your trip down to Honduras… really great how that worked out.
Take buuuunches of photos to post when you get back
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I cannot handle compliments. I deflect by humor.
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I am so glad to hear that you are close to your goal! It is awesome and heart lifting to hear that.
As for compliments, I have a very hard time taking them. In fact, three times in the past few days, THREE people called me out about this very subject!! It is something that I need to work on.
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I, too, have a hard time receiving compliments. Most of the time it’s when people comment on my singing or playing the piano/guitar. What an odd trait. I should be eating that stuff up but I mostly downplay it. It’s like saying, “God tried really hard to give me these talents but He didn’t quite come through.”
The more I think about it, it almost seems offensive to God. We are basically deflecting when someone points out what an awesome job God did on us in a certain area. For example God did a sweet job on me when creating the part of the brain that hold useless information. God made me well suited for trivia games.
God did an awesome job on you Ryan. Thanks for the food for thought. Another good topic.
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Great insight!
I think it’s part of our American culture to be independent, and therefore it’s hard to accept anything… rather we want to do everything for ourselves, not ask for help, and certainly don’t expect anyone to do anything for you. For whatever reason this leeches into accepting compliments. It’s SO hard to just say “Thank you”. And even more hard to be on the spot over something you consider to be not such a big deal, but it might mean a LOT to someone else.
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I think that as Christians we are sort of taught not to receive positive stuff about ourselves. The Church has done a fine job of defining ‘humilty’ as ‘refusing to acknowledge anything good about oneself, making oneslef as small and unnoticed as possible, being a doormat if necessary, because we’re supposed to be meek and mild’.
What I am learning is that the only way I can truly give is to receive first. You can’t give away what you don’t have. A teacher I like to listen to describes this false humility – this rabid self-consciousness – as being one of the most self-centered things we do. If all I am thinking about is how much *I* don’t want to be noticed, and how *I* am supposed to look/act/be, about how *I* don’t deserve to be complimented then how can I focus on someone else?
That gave me pause and made me say “Hmm – maybe if I just allow myself to be me I will be able to see more than just myself….”
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First off, I was really hoping for a man with three buttocks. … And I’m also hoping that at least a few other people get that joke, or else I’m just going to look like a freak.
I absolutely cannot accept help, especially from my mom. And you’d better believe I have an even harder time asking for it! I won’t even let anyone come stay with me when my babies are born. It’s all pride, I know, and I’ve become much better about it over the years and with my precious husband’s help, but it’s something I really struggle with.
Compliments and gifts? LOVE THEM!! What’s that? You want to help me straighten my kitchen? NOOONONONONO!
~Brea
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First and foremost, I just want to say that I really like your sermon you posted about prayer. Normally, I have a hard time listening to some sermons (which is bad when my grandfather is a preacher). I always feel that I am being targeted for not being a very devout Christian, and am on a straight path to Hell with no chance of redemption. But I loved your sermon – you said everything very well. I may have to go to Vineyard Westside at some point when I get back into the states. I live not too far from Cincinnati. I may be able to finally find a home.
But back to the question you posed. I am such a deflector. I have a hard time accepting any complement, no matter what it may be about. I always shoot myself down, too. I have a really bad problem with self-esteem and I think it stems from that. I also have a problem accepting gifts – I just can’t do it. I feel so guilty all the time! I’ve learned to suck it up, however, and just say “thank you”.
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So I finally was able to listen to the podcast, awesome. Thank you for linking it!
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:: raising hand :: Hi. I’m Katy, and I’m a deflector.
It has taken me a long time to accept a compliment. I used to deflect like crazy,and still do… only deep inside my head. It took me a long time to come to the point where I realized that deflecting is an insult to the person who is giving you the compliment.
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I found your website through PW and glad I did. I find your words so easy to read. They flow like water. I guess that’s why you’re a pastor. I was curious about men being “deflectors” and all because I thought the main reason men cheat is because they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve from their wives. Could it be that they are just not capable of “receiving”? I am very lucky to have a very loving husband but recently at my work, we have had three long term marriages fail due to the husband cheating. I feel for the women because the guys now have younger partners and they are alone. By the way, these are all church going people.
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Oh yes, I am very much a deflector. I cannot accept a compliment from anyone.
I am looking forward to listening to your teachings on prayer but it will have to be later as I am at work now (shhhh).
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This is timely for me right now as I struggle with this myself and I have noticed my kids doing this more – especially my 14 year old daughter. My daughter is such a blessing and so amazing – she really humbles me at times. She is so talented in so many ways – and while I am in full mom mode – I hear this from so many other people in her life – what an amazing kid she is. She does NOT bow to peer pressure she is very much her own person, but she has a hard time dealing with KNOWING she is different than typical middle school kids. Lots of deflecting going on – she finds it very hard to be accepting of positive comments and has begun “knocking” them. She does not want to appear boastful or prideful. I have always struggled with this myself so I have been trying to be more of a positive role model by allowing myself to utter a simple Thank you! How difficult it is to guide her when I have the difficulty myself!
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Everyone always says, “Just say thank you,” when they compliment me. I have a hard time believing what they’re saying. I think they are just trying to be nice. I’m working on it.
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P.S. Thanks for sharing your feelings about marriage and Allison. I guess sometimes I think men are incapable of loving like that. It’s inspiring.
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I have a hard time taking a compliment. I usually try to down myself after hearing one, I don’t know why? Thank you for the compliment on my lasagna. It’s hard coming from someone who is such a fantastic cook! But I do try to make tasty dishes, I appreciate that you liked it, and told me so. Even though I tried to say it was bad….
xoxo,
Shannon
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most definately a deflector. just one of those people who can’t ever recieve compliments from people… most probably from self esteem and trust issues. some people even get offended when i can’t “correctly” accept their compliment.
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Sitting there quietly? That WOULD be hard – I don’t know if I could stand it. It’s hard for me to receive in so many ways…compliments, help, favors. I always find myself sort of mentally taking note of who I might “owe”. It’s not good – have you noticed what a blessing it is to give to someone else? I love to give give give. But if someone constantly shot me down, deflected what I said, or paid me back because of something I did for them or gave them? It would be such a bummer! I think being a gracious receiver of people’s gifts is a gift in itself…and something I need to work on.
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I just have to write this because it is eating me alive.
I get the whole “deflection” thing as I do the same.
What I don’t get is how, as a Pastor, you can ask for financial assistance from friends and complete strangers to fund your trip to Honduras. Then turn around and post two entries on your blog regarding the 6 hours you have devoted to having your sleeve completed as well as an entry describing your rather expensive anniversary dinner and overnight stay in a hotel room.
What I took away from your original Honduras post was that you were financially unable to afford the trip, asked for assistance, and anything you received above and beyond what you needed would go towards the mission itself when it really seems that you could have paid for this trip yourself had you budgeted your own money to fund your portion of the trip; then asking for donations solely for the purpose of helping the needy there.
I’m sorry, but this pretty much sums up my problem with organized religion.
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Hi MK,
Thanks for taking the time to write. I can understand how things can look funky sometimes, especially when the church is involved. I’m sorry that the order of my posts, or the content of them portrayed that I am pulling something shady off. I never want to put out a vibe that I am something I am not and sometimes the limited view of the other side of the monitor can be skewed.
You should know that I feel no obligation to defend myself, but I would like to help you see something from my perspective. In my experience as a pastor, most people seem to expect me to spend all of my money on purchasing bibles and paying for mission trips. This might seem like an exaggeration, but it has often felt that way from my side. When I said that I “cannot say no to the things God has called me to just because I don’t have the funds to fulfill them” – I meant it.
The trip simply cost too much for me to handle on my own. I am covering part of the expenses, but I am relying on others to fill the gap…otherwise…no trip. It’s either go to Honduras (financially assisted) to advance the cause of Christ and help people or…say no to it.
Often times, outside observers are asking people in ministry to pick one over the other…it’s either, take care of your family (such as taking your wife out for an anniversary date night) or take care of the church/mission work (aka my trip to Honduras). Oh…and don’t have any hobbies or buy anything for yourself either…
The thing is…I don’t believe that’s what God wants at all. God is calling me to a life that is healthy and balanced. A life that says yes to sacrifices, but also says yes to blessings. Many people have no interest in going to Honduras to do what we are doing, and yet they want to help…this is an opportunity for those people to step up and help in a way that they can…either through financial assistance…prayer…or both. Who am I to say no to that?
In 2008 my wife and I gave away more than 20% of our income…by choice. Some would say that we are stupid for not leaving ourselves a cushion, but I think we have one…He just happens to be invisible. Many other unknown factors come in to play, such as the fact that I am a crafty dude who will gladly trade photography work for tattooing…but I won’t get into all that.
All that to say this…I’m sorry for giving you a bad impression of those in “organized religion”. Sometimes we see what we want to and I hope that you can take a moment to empathize with someone like me. We at the Vineyard Westside like to think of ourselves as “disorganized religion” anyway.
Let me know if want to chat more on the subject of my personal spending habits. Haha…Love Wins!
Ryan
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I have written an article about defense mechanisms, in particular as they relate to men and women interacting with one another. You can read it here at -> http://www.evannassau.com/what-defense-mechanism/
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