I am not a missionary.

Going to Honduras a few times and Kenya for a week do not classify me as a missionary.

To be honest, I don’t consider anyone who goes on “mission trips” to be a missionary. Jesus said to his followers, “Go into all the world and make disciples.” It’s something we are all supposed to do if we call Christ our Lord. It’s a command…a given…an expectation…

Missionaries to me are those who plant themselves in a country that is not their own for an extended period of time to make that place home. It’s a foreign place that becomes a familiar place, and it’s an area where relationships are built that will last for more than 3 days. Missionaries are people who are willing to abandon what is normal so that they can follow a calling that is socially unacceptable to most. They’ve typically sacrificed everything they call commonplace and exchange it for a different story.

In my experience, missionaries are at least half-nuts to the rest of us…kinda like Jesus.

Those who are new to the missionary lifestyle experience deep confliction when it comes to relating to those outside of the missionary lifestyle. Those who are many years into life as a missionary are far less frustrated by those of us who choose to live a local faith…or they’ve learned to hide that frustration.

One thing is for sure…missionaries are afflicted.

Over time, they make the exchange from being a outsider in a strange land to being an outsider in their home country. The mission field becomes home and home becomes…something else. A place where they struggle to connect. A place where they are waiting to get back to where they know they belong.

Of my 332 months on this planet, I have spent one of them away from familiarity…and yet it already feels odd to be “home”. I can only imagine what it must be like for those who have forfeited their lives and taken on the persona of a settler. But maybe they haven’t forfeited. Maybe they’ve just said “yes” to one of the biggest questions of all:

“Are you willing?”

…to follow me?

…to lay down your agenda?

…to give hope to those who need it?

…to sacrifice what you’re holding on to?

…to serve the poor by becoming one of them?

Now of course, some have run. Maybe they couldn’t handle “normal” and so this was the only option. They had to take off and do something different for the sake of doing something different…maybe.

Do I believe that everyone is supposed to live this way? Nope. But, I’ve found a deep respect and admiration for those who are living on the edge. To all the true missionaries out there – you are living an impossible reality that can only be made real by the God of impossible things. Do not lose heart as easily as we insiders for you have discovered the truth. Your heart is beating alongside Jesus’ heart…one that is close to the poor and the broken. Keep peddling hope to all nations…it’s worth it.

Have you ever noticed that many blogs out there aren’t filled with blog posts, but rather filled with apologies as to why that blogger hasn’t posted anything in a long time?

Yeah…me neither.

So anyway – I normally thrive under pressure.

Some of my best works have been created when my back was up against a wall with the time closing in. I like pressure. I like deadlines that are hard to meet. I like to surprise people by how much I was able to accomplish in such a short period of time. What I don’t like is when I can’t see an end in sight. When I’m struggling to find enough time to do stuff that I don’t want to do, let alone find time to do the stuff that I do want to do.

You begin to feel…lost. Speaking of Lost, something smacked me upside my head the other day when Allison and I were watching Lost. We watch one T.V. show at a time, and we decided to join the majority of civilization and see what this Lost show was all about. Episode 1 of season 1 graced our television last week and I can attest…we’re hooked. A few episodes into that first season, John Locke (crazy nature man) looks at Jack Shephard (Doctor WhineStine) and says, “Leaders can’t lead unless they know where they’re going.” And all of the sudden it hits me…

I have no idea where I’m going right now.

I can’t see the forest because I’ve got all these dang trees in my face.

* Just came home from poor country in Central America to the North American jetstream
* Grandad is wanting to quit dialysis so he can speed up the process
* Sister just relapsed and is back on drugs
* New position at church is driving me bonkers…because it’s new
* Decided to move forward with selling our house to simplify our lives

It’s as if…

Wait…

What’s that thing I am always telling other people?

“It sounds like you need to surrender. You can’t do it all by yourself.”

So there I find myself – kneeling beside the bed – sitting in the car – waiting in line at the grocery – looking up at the sky…to ask Him for the help that I desperately need right now.

“I’m sorry that I’m trying to take over…I need you to do these things…I’ll just help where I can. I can’t be everything that everyone wants me to be…help me.”

His voice comes back to me and all of the sudden I know where I’m going. It doesn’t sound safe, but I know it’s going to be good. As I sit here smoking an incredible cigar I brought home from Honduras, and sipping a tasty adult beverage, I’m reminded that God is good all the time. He’s the King, and I’m a prince. His Kingdom endures forever.

For some reason I feel like I should end this post with “Let’s Roll” or “Let’s Ride.” I have no idea why.

It could be the brewski.

Cheap entertainment is always the best kind.