Last week I tweeted this:
What I meant was this:
The church has stolen my joy from me. I’ve read about it, heard about it, and been warned repeatedly about it…but somehow I did exactly what I never wanted to do. I allowed the work I was doing for God get in the way of the work God was doing in me. I traded in the real thing for the cubic zirconium.
Going, going, going…a hundred miles an hour each day to get it all done and all of the sudden I look around and I can hardly see God anywhere. Here comes disclaimer number one…
* I hate writing about this.
It’s the reason I haven’t been blogging lately. Not only has there been a lack of time, but there’s this thing inside of me that doesn’t want to admit that the church was chewing me up and spitting me out. I’m an advocate for the local church. I believe it’s a beautiful thing…and yet she can be a cruel mistress if you allow her to be. I’m one of those guys who believes in “burnout”…for other people. Sure that can happen…sure it’s real…but not for me. Yeeeeaaah.
Consider myself burnt. Crispy.
You see, the church is comprised of several groups of people. Some are in search of God. Some are in search of community. Some are in search of healing. Some would appear to be there to tell you all the things you’re doing wrong. It’s comprised of broken people who need care. Not everyone of course. Many have turned in their bibs long ago and have totted aprons ever since, but some will need, need, need. As hard as I try, I cannot separate the empathy gifting/cursing I’ve been given from my own attitude. I wear the weight of other people on my shoulders and sometimes it just gets too heavy.
People you’ve grown to know and love have seriously awful things happen to them and it’s impossible to be the strong one or the one with good advice or the listening ear without hurting along side of them.
Disclaimer number two:
* I also hate writing about this because I know this makes no sense to so many people.
Sure…you may understand what I’m saying, but many of you are thinking Stop whining. This is exactly why I don’t belong to a church in the first place. God probably doesn’t even exist…why do you church people put yourselves through this?
Truthfully, I don’t know. But I got sucked into the trap and I’ve been living a counterfeit version of the real thing for the last few months. No time for writing, no time for photography, no time for cooking, no time for QUALITY family interaction – nothing.
I’ve been missing out. Thankfully, my pastor recognized this process and strongly encouraged me to take some time off. And so here I am…writing…rambling…and I’ve got nothing to do all day. For now, I’m starting with two weeks off to find my pulse again.
Flickers of a heartbeat have been showing up already.
