Sometimes you buy large containers of almonds at Sam's club only to realize that you don't really like plain almonds all that much. This can lead to Marzipan.

First things first - let's toss 4 cups of almonds into our handy dandy little food processor and grind them up. We should end up with something like this:



Now let us combine 2/3 cup water and 2 cups of sugar (organic cane sugar of course...haha with my pinky in the air for added fanciness) in a sauce pan.





Pop that sauce pan onto the stove and begin melting the sugar and water together over a medium heat.

Now we need to grab a couple of farm-fresh eggs. (thanks Melanie!)



Separate the whites from the eggs and toss the yolks...or you could eat the raw yolks Hulk Hogan style...it's up to you really.





Now lets check back on our sugar water and give it a stir.



At this time it would be good to get an ice water bath started. In the sink is probably easiest.



See this stuff?



Measure out about 1/4 teaspoon. Mix that in with the sugar water mixture.



After the Cream of Tartar is mixed in...we need to bring the sugar up to a boil for about 3 minutes or so. If you've got a candy thermometer you will want it around 240°...I've got a digital thermometer that is fairly accurate, so I just made sure it was withing range.



After a few minutes of this:



Toss some powdered sugar on to a cutting board or clean workspace.



Now get that mixture cooled down by placing the pan into the ice water bath and keep stirring it until it gets thick.





Now that the mixture has thickened a bit, we can add our egg whites and almonds.





Now throw that mix back onto the stove over medium heat until it all mixes up together and becomes like a paste.



Spread your powdered sugar around the cutting board area and dump out your Marzipan to cool.



You can move it around until it stays and doesn't run off the edges...allow the Marzipan to cool until it's pliable.



It should look a little something like this:



Now this part is optional. I've got cocoa powder and a little cinnamon mixed into a bowl.



Pinch off a piece of Marzipan and roll it into a small ball. Now roll that ball around in the cocoa/cinnamon mix.



You end up with little Marzipan Truffles.



Dust them with a little powdered sugar and you've got a treat fit for anyone. Careful though...this little boogers are addictive.

I recently returned from a week long hiatus in Florida. My friend Jon (who is from God knows where) says everyone from Ohio vacations in Florida and it's like we don't know how to go anywhere else or something. He's a real dope sometimes.

Anywho...while I was away, mid-trip, I had a serious hankering. You know, one of those times when you get something in your head and you just can't imagine anything else. I wanted an egg salad sandwich. So I made one. You should too.

Start with some eggs. Don't count these...the amount doesn't really matter. Fill up your pan, pot, vessel of choice with enough water to cover the eggs by an inch or so. Pop them on the stove and turn the heat up to high. Let the eggs sit there until the water boils. At this point, remove the pan from the heat and let them sit in the hot water for 12 minutes.


Now that you've waited twelve minutes...run cold water over the eggs until they're cooled off.


Now I don't know about you, but I'm not a huge fan of Celery. It's okay, I use it when I need to. If I don't need to however, I'll use something else.

Enter Cucumber. Chop it up...leave a few extra slices for snacking.


Now zoom in on it to make sure you've chopped it thoroughly.


Now get out a couple other things...I chose Mayonnaise and Old Bay.


Your eggs should be cool by now. Get those babies out of the water and start peeling. Since this is a family-friendly site, I'll spare you the images of egg smooshing. Just smoosh them up good with a fork. Add about a tablespoon of mayo for every two eggs and a dash of seasoning. You can use just salt and pepper if you like. You'd be a real dope though. Toss in your Cucumber and mash it all together.


Toast up some bread, add a slice of lettuce and you're set for a delicious egg salad sandwich. Mmm. Veggcation Salad Sandwich.


Come on now...you can't mess this one up. And I don't want to hear any "Eww, that's gross!" comments from you egg-haters out there. If you do wish to bust on the ultimate eating marvel, you must do so in the form of poetry.

Ryan's Egg Salad:

X number of Hard-Boiled Eggs
1 Tbsp Mayo per 2 Eggs
Old Bay Seasoning
Chopped Cucumber (to taste)

...when it's so easy to make.

I had some items in the fridge and cupboard that were all close to being empty. What to do? How about throw down some Honey Vinaigrette?

Here's what I had:


* 3/4 cup Olive Oil
* 1/4 cup Sherry Vinegar
* 2 heaping tbsp Local Wildflower Honey
* 1 tbsp Ketchup
* 1 tbsp Mayonnaise
* 1 pinch of Kosher Salt
* 1 pinch Fresh Ground Peppah

I tossed it all into a mixing cup so I didn't have to dirty extra dishes.


And then I whisked it all together so it looked like this:


And then I dumped it into my newly empty Honey container.

And then I ate it and it was delectable.

And then Ava hit me with a flying clothesline.


The End.

Below is a video tutorial of how to make some awesome Guacamole. Now while I normally know full-well just how strange I am, I must admit I did question some things about myself after creating this video. Oh well...

You may want to put a helmet on for the following exercise. After tasting what we are about to create...you may fall down. I've fainted countless times after tasting this Hot Bliss. I wouldn't want you to get hurt...consider this your only warning.

This really is the easiest thing to make ever. Well...maybe not as easy as Easy Cheese being squirted into your mouth, but I think the payoff is much better. I made this up one evening during a severe case of the munchies...I've never been the same.

* Let's start with our ingredients: The only things you need are pre-made cookie dough and an oven-safe rammekin...the red thing. Turn your oven on to broil.

Okay have you ever heard of that book How to win friends and influence people? They could have shortened that book up quite a bit just by showing you what I'm about to show you.

I was recently in Vancouver Canada for a week and I had an opportunity to make this for a group of 15 people. Those Canadians began to smile and laugh at my jokes after I served them this masterpiece. Canadians smiling and laughing should be proof in itself. This meal...is holy.

Let's see our stars of the evening shall we?

We've got some Italian Herbs (fancy variety of course), Frozen Pizza Dough, Pepperoni Slices, a 1lb hunk of Mozzarella, a stick of Butter, and some fresh Garlic.

First things first. I let this ball of frozen pizza dough sit out for about 2 hours to thaw. Did you know they sell this stuff at almost every grocery store? It's typically by the garlic bread...now you know. This is a small bag...it's good for one pizza crust or, in this case, one stromboli.



Toss said dough blob onto the counter and start working it. By working it I just mean moving it around in your hands to get it to room temperature...it'll be much easier to work with that way.
You can use shredded cheese for this too. I've done provalone and it works great as well.

Now what did you do with the butter? Yes, butter...don't fudge this up by using margarine. Butter makes everything better. Melt down your stick of butter and add about 2-3 tablespoons of your Italian Herbs. Toss your garlic in there too.

Now after you've stirred that all around you can begin spreading it onto the dough. Go on...go nuts with it. Just make sure you leave about half of the butter for later.

Transfer that baby over to a sheet pan and start slathering on the rest of that herb butter.

Pop that baby into the 300 degree oven for an hour and check out what's waiting for you. Sprinkle on some more Italian herbs to make a point and wait for your new friends to arrive.

Add a bowl of your favorite pizza or spaghetti sauce for dipping and your life is now complete.

If I never have to hear Rachel Ray say "E V O O" again I will be a happy person. If you have no idea what I'm talking about...that's good.

Onto my next point.

I want to talk about Olive Oil for a moment. If you're not regularly using Olive Oil in your cooking routine, you need to change something. Olive Oil and butter are my two closest friends in the kitchen. I don't go anywhere without them. They're great listeners and they have an excellent sense of humor. I'm going to continually capitalize the "Os" in Olive Oil because it means that much to me.

I'm not going to go into details on why Olive Oil is so important for the success of your food right now though. Right now I want to show you a cheap Do-It-Yourself project that is super easy and useful.

Let's get on with it:

First of all...see this thing? This Olive Oil dispenser will run you about $25 - $30. Repeat after me. "Do not want. Do not want. Do not want." Don't buy this thing. I know we like buying things just like everyone else but I say we take this opportunity to save some cash and we get to personalize something we're going to be using a lot in our kitchen.

Alrighty then. To get started we're going to need a big ole' jug (or can) of Olive Oil and an empty bottle wine with a cool label. You can use a wine bottle that doesn't have a cool label if you're a dork...that would be acceptable as well.

This particular wine was $5.99. Big money I know...but, it had such a sweet label. I like to buy Olive Oil in bulk because it's much cheaper that way. This big can was on sale at Jungle Jim's (the greatest supermarket on the planet) for just $12. If I were to buy a bunch of little containers of oil it would have been a ton of moolah.



Next you'll need one of these handy dandy oil dispensers. I got mine from a cooking store in the area for less than a dollar. I also have a baby bottle nipple for a funnel. If you've ever poured oil from one container to another...you know it has a tendency to "glug".


Cut the top off of the nipple. There has got to be a better word for that part of the bottle.

Aight.


Glug away.

Pop the oil dispenser top onto the bottle and wouldja lookit that. You've got a fancy schmancy Olive Oil dispenser for next to nothing in cost.
Fancy schmancy Olive Oil dispensers won't protect you from flowers running through your kitchen though...so I hope you weren't expecting that to happen.

I have no idea what this recipe is actually called. I made it up...and yet I'm sure that I didn't make it up. Certainly someone made this up before me and has a really cool name for what it is. If so, please let me know. Thanks.

We're cooking for two tonight...well, two and a quarter actually. The baby won't eat much though.

Let's start with some frozen chicken boobs. You're going to want to thaw said chicken boobs before moving on to the next step. I left mine out on the counter top for about an hour and then I popped them in the microwave (on defrost) for about a minute or so.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.

Here's what they looked like after I trimmed off some "cooked" edges from the defrost being too strong:

And we would now like to welcome to the stage tonight's cast and crew:

We're going to begin this evening's dinner with the browning of chicken boobs. To make these chicken boobs golden-brown and delicious we must first start with a very young chicken...er...egg.

Our next guest will also aid in the browning of said chicken boobs. Some bread crumbs if you will...go ahead make a good sized pile. A half-cup or so...

So as not to achieve blandness we must season these breadcrumbs with some tasty little party favors. Someone I always like to invite is Mr. Lawry's Chicken Seasoning...always a welcome guest with my poultry. I'd give it about 8-10 good shakes. That translates to approx. 2-3 tablespoons.


After taking out some pent up aggression on our poor defenseless egg, drop the chicken breast into the bowl for a nice coating.

Now dip the chicken into the breadcrumb mix...

I tend to return the breaded chicken back to the egg one more time and then give it a second run in the breadcrumbs. I've found that this gives you a good thick coating as well as a nice sturdy breading that won't crumble and flake off of the chicken when you cook it.

And this is what you should end up with at the end:


Now you're going to want to add about 2 - 3 tablespoons of butter to a good oven-safe pan (if you have one...if not just use a non-stick frying pan). Crank the heat up to medium-high and drizzle about 3 or 4 tablespoons of olive oil over the butter.

I like to use oil and butter for a good flavor/not burn ratio. The olive oil has a higher smoke point than the butter does. If I were to use just butter for this it would end up burning up on me.

After the butter and olive oil join together to make something beautiful you can go ahead and add your chicken.

After you get your chicken breasts into the pan I would let them become something glorious on each side for about 2-3 minutes.

Here's what you should see after a few minutes on each side. *tears up*

Now there's going to be a good bit of "stuff" stuck to the bottom of the pan since it's not non-stick...that's a good thing. We can get that flavorful "stuff" off the bottom of the pan by deglasing it with some chicken broth.



Dump about a cup or so of this chicken broth into the hot pan and viola!! The naughty chicken bits have lifted. This will pretty much immediately resemble a sauce of some sort.

Told ya:

Stop!! Don't do it!! I know you will want to eat it at this point but, it's not worth it...there's still so much more flavor to experience!! Besides that...the chicken is still raw inside.

It's now time to add the little cans of mushrooms (yes you can use fresh, blah, blah, blah) to the outside perimeter of the pan. Make sure you drain the liquid off the mushrooms first...and don't put the mushies on the chicken itself. That piece of real estate has already been saved for someone else.

Now for some seasoning! Toss a little more of that Lawry's stuff on the chicken and add a good amount of garlic powder onto the mushrooms...it gives em' that sauteed flavor.

Note: I'm using granulated garlic powder, not garlic salt. I don't want my body to go into a sodium overload tonight. The chicken broth was low sodium as well...I like to be able to control how much salt is in my food.

Last step before the oven: Add a cheese slice to the top of the chicken. I had some provalone in the fridge so that will do...shredded cheese works to. I've used cheddar, swiss, mozzarella, etc.. all with a little bit different results. The provalone is a great choice for this...


Now this is where boys become real women. Take your all metal (no rubber on the handle) pan and pop it into the pre-heated 375 degree oven for about 25 minutes.

25 minutes later and something magical has happened. This ugly little caterpillar has transformed into a beautiful butterfly.

Have a look:

I told you you should have trusted me. You owe me big on this one. Absolutely perfect.

Serve it up along-side your favorite veggie and get ready to experience something blissful.

Bon appetite!

Okay...fine. I'm going to share something that I find interesting with you. No making fun. Martha Stewart wants to be like me in the kitchen. It's true. She just hasn't come right out and said it yet. But, I know she's thinking it.

This will serve approx. 8-12 humans.

Let's start out with my trusty rusty iron skillet. This thing probably weighs in at about 20lbs empty, but if I only had one pan on a deserted island...this would be it.


And now onto the meats! Yes I said meats. If you want to have a more delectable meat sauce you're going to have to pull out the pork. The big hunk-o-meat in the pan is about 1 and 1/2lbs of ground beef. The smaller hunk-o-meat is, believe it or not, a 1lb package of breakfast sausage.


Now you're going to want to combine these two meats together over medium high heat.


Alrighty then. Now that the hunk-o-meats is brownin' up together we can move on to our other ingredients. We've got some dried parsley and basil flakes, a couple small cans of good tomato paste, a big-ole can of diced tomatoes (I used san marzanos for this...a little more pricey than basic but, I'm worth it.), and some fresh cloves of garlic.


Let's get that garlic chopped up shall we? Here's a little tip: to get the garlic cloves out of their protective skins you can give them a good whack with a heavy can or put your knife down flat against one and pop it with your wrist.


This isn't really a mince...a mince is smaller than this I think. This is more of a mance. I'm pretty sure I just made that word up.


Now that my meat mixture has browned up nicely I'm going to add the garlic. I didn't add the garlic while the meat was browning because by the time the meat got cooked through the garlic could have burnt up. Bitter, burnt up garlic isn't good for meatsauce awesomeness.


Depending on what kind of human you are...you're probably going to want to drain some of the excess fat off of the cooked meat. Notice I didn't say drain off all the fat...I get rid of about half of it. Everything in moderation...including moderation. I used a turkey baster thing but, you can just use a spoon if you like wasting time.


Dump em' maters in thar. Mix em' round.


Now let's add the tomato paste, about 4 tablespoons of parsley and 3 tablespoons of basil.


Once this is mixed up it should start to resemble something edible. You'll probably want to turn the heat down to a medium low for some simmering action now.


I'd add about 2 big pinches of salt now...kosher salt would be best. Kosher salt and fresh ground pepper make a difference in cooking. I know, I know...it's so frufru.


After about 15 minutes of simmering away, my meat sauce is starting to get a little thick...like I can turn the pan upside down and nothing would fall out kinda thick. I found this can of generic tomato sauce in the cupboard. I'm going to toss that in there too. Well, not the whole can...just the contents inside it. I think I'll go ahead and add a can of water to it as well...did I mention that this stuff is thick?


Stir it up and add some final touches to taste. Since I didn't have spicy breakfast sausage as I would have preferred, I'm going to add a little extra heat to zing this sauce up a bit. Add some more salt and pepper as you feel necessary and don't be afraid to play around with other spices.


And after another few minutes of simmering your meat sauce should like something like this:


Mmmm...that is some satisfying Meatsauce Awesomeness right there! Pour this sauce over your favorite pasta (linguini would be excellent) or just sip it as if it were a big mug of hot cocoa.

So before we eat, how the heck to I get this pungent garlic stench off of my hands?? Well I can tell you that this soap won't work:


I must have washed my hands with that soap about 23 times during this cooking process (I'm OCD sometimes.) and my hands still smell like garlic. Luckily I know a secret weapon when it comes to removing garlic stench...any stench really. COFFEE BEANS!!


Grab a small handful of these babies and start rubbing them around between your hands. Toss them after about 30 seconds and wash your hands. Go ahead, give em' a smell...no garlic, no coffee...just the sweet smell of your favorite hand soap. A mystery if you ask me.

Well I hope you learned something. Let me know if you tried this meat sauce out and if it lived up to the awesomeness that was bestowed upon it. This meat sauce is a great meat layer for any homemade lasagna as well.

Good eating.